I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You may now shotgun with the bride
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
