I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
