Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
