he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Randomize
