a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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