Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
