The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
