I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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