Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
