i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
