After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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