u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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