if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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