The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
