I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
