I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
