so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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