a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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