cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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