I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
