I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
