If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
