batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
is wine microwaveable?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
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