glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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