Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
