Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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