my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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