I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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