my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
