Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Randomize
