So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
