the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
