i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
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