hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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