so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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