I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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