I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
The beer is more important than you right now.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
