I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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