im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
