I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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