Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
