it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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