The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
