Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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