you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
