He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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