I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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