My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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