I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
