her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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